What You Say to Yourself Matters

Guest blog post by Samantha Thompson

What you say matters, what you say to yourself matters even more. 

RECOGNIZING HOW I TALK TO MYSELF

One of the biggest contributing factors in my growth mindset was changing the words I used. Words that were programmed into me, thoughts and ideas put upon me by the society in which I live. Immersed in cultural norms, I thought and said these words and phrases with no concern or question of how they affected me…well, until I did. 

A female co-worker and I were noting how many times we wrote “please” in our emails, “Please see…please let me know… please advise”…please…please…puking please! It was absolutely absurd. Hear me out, I’m not saying ditch the manners, but really, does every sentence need to start with “please”? Let’s be honest, you’re probably tired of reading it by now too. 

It was about this time, I picked up Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. In her book, she talks about how women are programmed to make themselves smaller and less important. As I processed what she was saying, some questions started to arise. 

Why do I say please so much? 

What other words/phrases am I saying that make me small?

Are there words that I can use to get across the same point without cutting myself down? 

Are there words I can use to build myself up? 

BEING SMALL

As all inquiring minds do these days, I hit the Google search bar. In my search, I found society tells us to be female is to be small, polite, and quiet. Our cultural norm is women should be pleasing and helpful, and not take up space. Men are to be large, in charge, and loud. Men are the leaders, who buck the system and make things happen. Often, women who push boundaries and boldly stand for what they believe tend to collect more negative adjectives from society than their male counterparts. 

Once I was aware of this, I started noticing how deeply I fell into this societal norm. I would make myself small by taking the center seat, especially in tight spaces such as an airplane, because I knew the aisle and window seats were more coveted. I rarely had an opinion on where we ate (unless I absolutely didn’t like the type of food), thus making myself less important and would figure out something wherever we ended up. I wasted countless hours being somewhere I didn’t want to be, doing things I didn’t want to do, because I thought I was being polite and accommodating. I would also downplay my intelligence and hold back ideas as a way to protect myself. If I didn’t throw it out there, I couldn’t be wrong; therefore, I couldn’t be responsible.  (Yeah, some of it is REALLY gross, but at least I had a starting point to begin making changes.) 

Here are a few words/phrases and why I wanted to use them more sparingly or with intention.

JUST and ONLY – These lessen the importance of accomplishments, or are often used as an excuse. 

“I only have an Associate’s Degree”, as if that isn’t worthy of accolades or my error should be excused because I didn’t get a higher education. 

“I’m just a girl.” (If you have No Doubt stuck in your head, hello fellow 90‘s punk rock fans. Also, can we give a shout out to Gwen Stefani? Chic was trying to bring awareness and break the stigma before I even knew it existed.) While I don’t recall ever using these words exactly, I have definitely used my femininity as an excuse and manipulation. (Hey, I warned you there was some grossness involved and I believe, to make real changes, we have to be completely honest with ourselves.)

PLEASE – When used repeatedly, comes across as begging and not a polite request. I think we exhausted that one already.

HOT MESS EXPRESS – I know, it’s a fan favorite!! But, seriously, I was basically cutting myself down while making excuses for my behavior and trying to hide behind self-deprecating humor. (Oh, Lort, don’t get me started on self-deprecating humor!) 

I’M SORRY – (Whew, we won’t go too deep into this one today, as it deserves an entire post on it’s own.) To stick with the theme of this post – the overuse of this phrase transfers over as an apology for our existence. For example, almost bumping into someone doesn’t warrant an apology, we simply crossed paths. I exist, you exist and we are all on this planet of equal importance.

IMPROVING MY SELF-TALK

Now that I had a list of words to remove, I had to figure out how to incorporate this into my daily life and rewrite my brain waves. Editing my emails and texts was by far the easiest place to begin since I could review before sending; deleting and revising as needed. It was also easier for me to notice when other people used language that diminished their importance or worthiness. I’m in several Facebook groups,  specifically for women in fitness, and this “small” type of mindset is very apparent. When I would come across a post, I would leave comments, encouraging them and occasionally even rewriting their own words into a much more positive and bold statement. For example, the original poster might say something like, “I’m really nervous about posting. I’m not anywhere close to where you all are and I know it’s not that much weight compared to what you all lift.” I would offer this revision, “I am stepping out of my comfort zone because I am bold. I have been working hard to make improvements and I am really proud of my accomplishments. I had a PR of 10 pounds this week and wanted to celebrate with you all.”  

As I empowered others to think differently about how they talked to themselves, my self-talk improved as well. I absolutely haven’t perfected this and I still say I’m sorry when I almost bump into someone (UGH!), however, through consistency and intentionality with my words, I started reaping the benefits. I found myself worthy of space; when I book a flight, I choose the seat I prefer. I take ownership of my responsibilities and address conflict even when I feel uncomfortable. (Sometimes it takes a few conversations with myself, some Oreos and 17 distractions, but I do get there, eventually.) I am learning to give myself grace to make mistakes, which allows me to be bolder in my opinions and take bigger risks. Now when I say “I don’t care where we eat,” it’s because I really don’t have a preference, not because I’m making myself less important, but I now have the awareness to check in with myself and evaluate the decision. Making small changes in my words helped change my “small” mindset into a growth mindset in many areas of my life. Today, I chase my dreams because I think they are possible and I am worth it. 

Keep moving forward, Friends!  

You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God with that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

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Samantha Thompson loves life and aims to embrace the world with curiosity and courage. She is passionate about learning to be the best version of herself and encouraging others as they navigate their own journeys. 

You can find her at RunninFree.com or on Instagram and Facebook as @runninfree.randomthoughts.

Samantha’s Favorite Resources: 

Entreleadership, Dave Ramesy

Girl Wash Your Face, Rachel Hollis

The War of Art, Steven Pressfield

“The Leadership Podcast,” Craig Groeschel

“Thick Thighs Save Lives Podcast,” Constantly Varied Gear