Let’s get real. Relationships can be tough. This goes for platonic relationships or romantic relationships, parent/child relationships, and even work relationships. I believe this to be true whether you are straight or gay; whether you’re white, black, brown or any other race under the sun. And I believe this to be true whether you’re a man, woman, or nonbinary person, too. Relationships are just hard. And to have a chance at a healthy relationship, we have to start with a healthy self.
THE HOLISTIC PSYCHOLOGIST
The thing I believe the most about all relationships that we participate in, is that we have to do our part to be the healthiest version of ourselves in order to stand a chance at participating in a healthy relationship with someone else. Obviously, it is hard to have a relationship with someone else who is not him/herself healthy, but since we are the only ones we have control over, we have to do our part and start with a healthy self.
One of my favorite accounts to follow on Instagram is Dr. Nicole LePera of The Holistic Psychologist. She always shares so much wisdom on dealing with childhood trauma, reparenting our inner child, working on ourselves, and learning to have healthy relationships. Her account is all about how to do the work, and I absolutely love it.
For this week’s blog post, I’ve rounded up three of my favorite posts that she’s shared recently, and brought them all together for you here in hopes that her wisdom can help you in your current relationships.
Some of these are directed at romantic relationships, while others are not. For most, you can replace the word “partner” with “friend” or “mom” or “sister” or “boss,” etc.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN RELATIONSHIPS
- How your nervous system responds
- How their words align to their actions
- The way they speak about themselves and others around them
- How aware they are of their needs, emotions, and energy
- How easily they forgive themselves
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS VS. RELATIONSHIP TRUTHS
Expectation: My partner will change their mind about not wanting kids, where the want to live, how we budget, etc.
Truth: We often believe we can change or control others. Sometimes, we can temporarily, though change that is not chosen doesn’t last long.
Expectation: My partner and I should always tell the truth to each other.
Truth: We both work to become safe and secure within our bodies and within the relationship to create a space of honesty and transparency
Expectation: I should always be attracted to my partner.
Truth: Sometimes our partners behavior is unattractive. Sometimes our behavior Is unattractive – this doesn’t mean anything about the status of our relationship.
Expectation: After we are married my partner will get better with money, emotional reactivity, communicating, etc.
Truth: Marriage does not change behavior, becoming conscious and doing the work does.
Expectation: Things will just work themselves out.
Truth: Until we openly communicate with each other and consciously create the life we choose, our childhood cycles will repeat themselves.
Expectation: My partner should always take my side.
Truth: Love involves being honest, having difficult conversations and challenging each other’s perceptions in order to become better versions of ourselves.
Expectation: If we loved each other, we wouldn’t be attracted to anyone else during our relationship.
Truth: Attraction is a physiological response that is unavoidable and natural.
Expectation: My partner should change parts of themselves to make me more comfortable.
Truth: We both have the opportunity to face and work through our childhood trauma.
Expectation: We need to work on the relationship.
Truth: In order to work on the relationship, we have to work on ourselves; heal our own childhood trauma, learn boundaries, and learn to regulate our emotions/nervous systems.
RELATIONSHIP EMPOWERMENT
Situation: My partner is the problem and they really need to heal their “issues.”
Relationship Empowerment: Relationships are co-created, meaning both people play a role. As I become more conscious to this, I have an opportunity to create more healthy relationships.
Situation: You feel a friend is consistently taking adbantage of you.
Relationship Empowerment: Have I had boundaries and followed through with them?
Situation: Your partner has told you that they’re not interested in doing the work.
Relationship Empowerment: I now have feeback on what theyre willing to invest in themselves and can make a conscious choice.
Situation: My partner denies my reality consistently (often called gaslighting).
Relationship Empowerment: The way my partner communicates gives me powerful awareness on their emotional maturity and I have choice in how I engage.
Situation: My sister has always been jealous of me and treats me terribly because of it.
Relationship Empowerment: How do my beliefs about the people in my life impact how I emotionally interact and communicate with them?
Situation: Your partner says one thing and does another leaving you feeling hurt/manipulated.
Relationship Empowerment: I am conscious to people’s actions and make choices around those actions, not just words.
Situation: My mom always brings me into family drama.
Relationship Empowerment: I choose how I spend my time and energy and communicate that clearly and objectively.
Situation: My ex is a liar, cheater, narcissist, and a complete “psycho.”
Relationship Empowerment: What dynamics/attachment trauma in my childhood brought me to a relationship that was insecure, unstable, and chaotic?
Situation: I’ve never been good enough for my dad because I didn’t do “x.”
Relationship Empowerment: How can I begin to heal the relationship with myself that was created from not feeling good enough for my dad?
DEFECTIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE CAUSE OF OUR WOES
One of my favorite books about alcoholism says the following about relationships:
Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism, no field of investigation could yield more satisfying and valuable rewards than this one. Calm, thoughtful reflection upon personal relations can deepen our insight.
Read that again: defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes.
If that is true, wouldn’t we want to do everything we can to work on ourselves to improve our relationships in an effort to reduce or limit our “woes?” I hope this post has opened your mind to some new ways of thinking about relationships, our expectations and our responses.
Remember: having a healthy relationship starts with having a healthy self. I want to put in the work, how about you?
Until next time,
Jeri Austin
A Growth Mindset 
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