Controlled Drinking Helped Me Find My Bottom

I wrote about recovering from alcoholism briefly in my first blog post, explaining how giving up drinking had launched me onto a path of personal development. The decision to quit drinking was an extremely difficult one, because alcohol was so much apart of my identity at twenty-five. But after I experimented with controlled drinking, it became obvious that I had a problem. Here’s what happened.

DRINKING DAYS

No one likes to admit they have a problem, and it took me years before I realized that I might have one with alcohol. It is funny looking back now, because I can see so obviously all of the consequences and issues that arose as a result of my drinking. I didn’t actually remember that until after I got sober, I got arrested for public intoxication when I was 17 for crying out loud. It’s funny how the mind blocks out certain things, isn’t it? Or rather, it’s funny how I couldn’t see such an obvious consequence of my drinking.

That was certainly not the only time I got in trouble or had something negative arise from my drinking. All the hangovers, the putting myself into unsafe situations, the relationships I stayed in that were unhealthy, the fights I had, the excuses I made, the remorse I felt, the money I spent, the not being able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror – there were so many signs that I had a problem with alcohol, I just couldn’t see them.

Besides,I hung out with people who mostly drank like I did. I felt like all of my friends drank the same way I did. And I dated guys who seemed to have a problem with alcohol, their consequences overshadowing my potential issues. So in my mind, I was just the same as everyone else. Besides, I owned a home and a car, and I had my career. I certainly couldn’t have a drinking problem, right?

In March of 2008 though, after getting a DUI for drinking and driving, I decided to give up drinking for a while to “take a break.” I knew that what came after a first DUI was a second one, and I knew it was likely I would get one because – even though I hate to admit it – I would drink and drive all the time. It was at that point when trying to give up drinking that I realized it was harder than I thought. People that I had met, fellow non-drinkers who seem to have their lives all together, encouraged me to try to do some controlled drinking and see how I felt.

NIGHT ONE

In April 2008, I had a work trip to Chicago, so I figured it was a good time to experiment with controlling my drinking. On Friday night, I went to dinner at a nice steak house and ordered a glass of white wine to go with my dinner. I decided upon ordering it that I would only drink half of the glass to show my control. Quickly though, I realized as I was sipping my way through the glass that I had absolutely no idea where half was. I began an internal debate – If I had another sip, would that still be half? And then, what about one more sip? And just one more?

It sounds ridiculous to even say it out loud, but I have to say, it was pure agony. I had to show my control, but I wanted to be able to drink as much as possible. It was quite the conundrum. And all the while, the person I’m having dinner with has absolutely zero idea about the turmoil that is happening within me.

I finally settled on where half was, leaving some wine in the glass as we finished our meals and left the restaurant. I had done it. It was hard, but I did it.

NIGHT TWO

The second night, we went out to dinner after work to a crowded tapas restaurant. I was tired from two days of working a trade show, long days on my feet full of handshakes and conversations. Before we left the hotel for dinner, I had made up my mind that I was going to only have two beers that night at dinner.

By the time we had decided on a restaurant and elbowed our way through the crowded bar area to a table that was too small for our group of four, it was apparent to me that this whole idea of controlled drinking supremely sucked, and I hated everyone and just wanted to get good and drunk. But no. I wouldn’t do that. I had said two beers, so that’s what I would have.

I can’t remember what I ordered, just that they were ice cold and sweat was dripping down the bottles, and I enjoyed every last drop. When my friends had told me about controlled drinking, they said that when I controlled it, to stop abruptly while drinking and see how I felt. Well I can tell you in that moment that I finished up the second beer that I was pissed. Not just a little angry. But livid. All I wanted was another beer. Two was definitely not enough.

I didn’t have another though. I had said two, so that’s where it ended. It’s funny looking back now because I don’t even think I put it together that night that there was a correlation between my anger and controlling my drinking. At the time, I blamed it on being tired, the crowded restaurant, the unfulfilling company.

NIGHT THREE

Sunday was the final day of the trade show, and I was exhausted. Between the long hours working and the emotions of not drinking – or rather, not drinking the way I wanted to – all I wanted was an early night to bed. What happened instead was the complete opposite.

After dinner, my coworker and I decided to go by a bar to meet up with a couple other sales people. I have absolutely no memory of what I had at dinner to drink that night. I do know that I didn’t set a “limit” for what I would drink. I don’t remember it being much, but when you are an alcoholic, I have learned that one is always too many and that’s it’s the first drink that gets me drunk.

Leaving dinner, I was tired and didn’t even feel like drinking that night, but when we got to the bar I ordered a beer and then – you guessed it – another and then another and so on. And when the shots started coming my way, I didn’t turn them down, but threw them back eagerly, welcoming my old friends and relishing in the relief they provided.

I couldn’t even begin to list everything I drank that night, but I know that it was enough that I was stumbling, blacking out, and passing out – all while out in public. I know, it wasn’t cute. Eventually I made it back to my hotel room.

CONTROLLED DRINKING

The next morning, I woke up with what I have heard described as the “Hideous Four Horseman: Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair.” I felt all of those things: I had one of the worst hangovers I could remember, a married man in my bed, and a feeling of complete and utter hopelessness.

For the first time in that entire weekend, I finally could see what my non-drinking friends had been talking about when they suggested I try controlled drinking: when I controlled my drinking, I didn’t enjoy it. When I enjoyed my drinking, I couldn’t control it.

It was an epiphany, albeit a painful one, and it was the beginning of the end of drinking for me. It would still be another couple of months before I put down drinking for good, attempting several more times to control my drinking to prove that I didn’t have a problem. But each time, it always came back to the same result: when I controlled my drinking, I was miserable.

WHAT HAPPENED

It has been over thirteen years since I gave up alcohol for good, and that weekend in Chicago was the beginning of the end of it all. I learned that there is no middle road for drinking for me – I’m either all or nothing.

I have found a wonderful support system in like-minded people. We support each other through sobriety, encouraging each other and lifting each other up as we go. My gratitude for the life I have today is indescribable – it is a life I never dreamed I could have. There was no way I could have invested in myself and in my personal development had I not quit drinking. It simply was impossible.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE

My goal in sharing all of this today is to remind you that even though it may look like we have it “all together,” sometimes there are still obstacles that stand in the way of us living our best lives. For so many of us, that means a problem with drinking.

Alcoholism doesn’t look any one kind of way. If you think you might have a problem, or you’re just not sure, I encourage you to try some controlled drinking like I did. Try drinking and abruptly stop. See how you feel. Be honest with yourself. Only you can decide how you feel and what is a problem. And if you do decide it’s time to go on the wagon, please know you don’t have to do it alone. There is an abundance of support out there for you, including me.

And if you don’t have a problem, that’s great! But maybe you know someone who does, and my experience could help them. If that’s the case, please forward it along. Maybe it could change someone’s life.

Until next time,

Jeri Austin