It’s Time to Evaluate Your Friendships

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. For years, I felt like I didn’t have many friends. I had a lot of acquaintances, but very few people who I would really consider a friend that I felt close to. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really know how to be a friend myself, so even if someone wanted to have a friendship with me, I didn’t really know how to reciprocate.

Over the years, I feel like I have learned how to be a friend. I know how to listen when someone needs an ear. I know how to show up when they need me. I know how to pick up the phone to call or text instead of waiting on them to do all the work. I know how to value my friends by investing time and love into the relationship so that it can nurture and grow. I am not the perfect friend by any means, and when I mess up, I try to admit my mistakes and ask for forgiveness.

One of the hard truths I’ve had to face, though, is that just because I want to be friends with someone, doesn’t always mean they want to be friends with me. Or just because I feel like I am capable of a healthy friendship, doesn’t mean the other person is. 

There have been many times where I’ve gotten my feelings hurt because I felt like I was giving so much to nurture the relationship, but the other person just didn’t seem to give back on the same level. And that stings. But I try to recognize that we are all just doing the best that we can, and I then make a decision about how much time and energy I want to invest in the friendship going forward.

EVALUATING YOUR CIRCLE

Since it’s a new year, it seems the perfect time to evaluate our friendships. There’s a famous quote by Jim Rohn in which he says, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Think about that.

Have you looked around at your circle lately? What do you see?

Is your circle made up of people who want to be better people? 

People who strive to be healthy, balanced, good human beings? 

People who believe in pursuing their dreams and will cheer you on as you pursue yours? 

People who invest in their health? 

People who manage their finances well? 

People who share your values?

If your circle is not filled with people who meet some of these criteria, it may be worth changing your circle. Only you can decide that, but I would encourage you to honestly look at your relationships and evaluate if they are worth keeping or investing your precious time in.

CREATE YOUR DREAM TEAM

I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the speaker was talking about the importance of friendships and the type of company you keep. He talked about creating a “dream team” of friendships, and talked about how in Marvel movies, when the super hero goes on some sort of mission, he puts together a team of talented other super heroes to complete the task. Now I’m no fan of Marvel movies, so I really have no specific frame of reference for that. I do however, love a good action movie, and forming a dream team to accomplish a specific mission holds up there too.

In Oceans 11, for example, when Danny Ocean (George Clooney) sets out to do the biggest heist in history, he puts together his dream team. With his partner Rusty Ryan, he recruits Linus Caldwell, a young and talented pickpocket; Frank Catton, a discredited casino dealer and con man; Virgil and Turk Malloy, a pair of gifted mechanics; Livingston Dell, an electronics and surveillance expert; Basher Tarr, an explosives expert; Saul Bloom, an elderly con man; and “The Amazing” Yen, an accomplished acrobat. He recruits people who can get the job done.

Now I’m not saying you should go rob a casino. Please don’t. But do you get my point?

Is your circle of friends your dream team? No, you don’t need a safe cracker, but you may need someone who has experience parenting if you are a new parent. Or someone who has experience getting sober if you are ready to give up booze but don’t know how. Maybe you need someone who has gone through a divorce as you face your own. It could be that you maybe need a lighthearted friend who knows how to not take herself too seriously if you are prone to do that yourself.

Only you can decide what your dream team looks like.

SIX TYPES OF PEOPLE TO STAY CLOSE TO

Back in November 2021, Nedra Glover Tawwab, Therapist, NYT Bestselling Author, and Relationship & Boundaries Expert, posted the following on her Instagram, and it just felt too good not to share as you consider your friendships:

• Stay close to people who inspire you to be a better version of yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions about their journey.

• Stay close to people who make you feel at ease. People who you can easily open up to and those who make you feel comfortable being vulnerable (asking, sharing, and receiving) are good for you.

• Stay close to people who understand you. It’s helpful to have relationships with people who have walked in your shoes. Also, it’s meaningful to nurture relationships with people who are willing to learn even if your experiences are different.

• Stay close to people who expose you to new things about yourself and the world. It’s helpful to have a variety of friends. If everyone is just like you, you will have a hard time understanding anyone different from you.

• Stay close to people who model healthy boundaries. Healthy behaviors are contagious and eventually, you might start to improve yourself by watching others operate in a healthy capacity.

• Stay close to people who challenge your thinking; this is not the same as people who make you question yourself.

Source: https://www.instagram.com/nedratawwab/

This beautiful list of six types of people to stay close to is great to use when evaluating your circle. Do your friendships provide these types of people? And better yet, are you this kind of person for other people?

ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE

It may be worth getting out a pen and paper or spending some time in thoughtful contemplation about your relationships. And if that feels like too much work, then just make it a point to check in with yourself and how you feel as you spend time with your friends in the coming weeks. Only you can decide who is worth your time.

Until next time,

Jeri Austin