Forty Things for Forty Years

I turned the big 4-0 recently, and, hear me out, I know I’m not old. Forty is the new thirty, right? But damn, I’m not young anymore either. I guess I feel somewhere in the middle – old enough to know things, young enough to still be figuring things out.

I’ve been reflecting and thinking about all the years I’ve lived through so far, all the experiences I have had, all of the ups and the downs – and it really feels like I’ve done a lot of l-i-v-i-n in my forty years. Also please tell me you just heard me spell out l-i-v-i-n like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused. No? Your next assignment is to watch that movie about a hundred times like I did when I was fourteen. 

I digress.

So I’ve been doing some living, right? And I got this idea that I should list out forty things I have learned or now know after forty years on Earth. Believe me, I’ve learned more than forty things in my years. The math facts I learned in elementary school alone add up to more than that, pun intended. But that’s of course not what I’m talking about. I feel like I’ve learned a lot of lessons – some the easy way, most the hard way – and I wanted to share some things here, in hopes that they might in some way help you.

So, without further ado, in no particular order, here’s forty things for forty years.

1 – It’s okay if you don’t still have the same friends that you had in elementary, middle, or high school. I know people I went to school with who still have all the same friends. And there is nothing wrong with that. There were years when I envied them and felt like a loser because I didn’t have any friends from childhood. I have since learned that I am most definitely not a loser, and there is also nothing wrong with cultivating entirely new friendships in adulthood with brand new people who haven’t known you your whole life. I have done that, and they are some of the best friends I’ve ever had. Period.

2 – And speaking of friends, it took me a lot of years to realize how to actually be a friend. Like, I was thirty-four before I knew how to invest in my friendships. All the previous years were spent not being the kind of friend I’d ever want myself – someone who was selfish and self-centered, domineering at times and codependent at others, and who lacked kindness and respect for my so-called friends. Having friends means learning to be a friend first.

3 – I have value and worth because I say I do, not because someone else does. I always thought I was only worthy if I was wanted, either platonically or romantically. But somewhere along the way, I learned that wasn’t the case. It still hurts my feelings to not be wanted some times, but I know I am awesome, even if you don’t think so. *mic drop*

4 – Some childhood wounds run deep. Even the ones that should have just been scrapes can get down deep if we let them. I have learned to see my own, to acknowledge them, and then to remind them that they no longer dictate my behavior or emotions. I have also learned to forgive those that hurt me, even if I don’t forget. We don’t have to forget the past. It can be our greatest teacher. But we don’t have to let it dictate our present, either.

5 – I am funny. You may not think so, but I sure as hell do. And that’s what matters most.

6 – Being in a sales career for over eighteen years has been one of the best experiences of my life. It has taught me confidence and the ability to walk into any room and talk to anyone. It’s never something I aspired to do, but I am glad the Universe saw fit to put me in that profession. It has truly been life changing. I think everyone should be required to work a sales job early in their working lives.

7 – Siblings can be mortal enemies when growing up, but they can transform into best friends in adult life. I am lucky enough to have two sisters whom I also get to call my friends.

8 – Few things change over night. Slow and steady investment in yourself, learning to be just half a percent better each day, can lead to big changes over time.

9 – I am forever grateful to my parents for taking my sisters and me on vacations as kids. I don’t know that we always appreciated the experiences at the time, but as an adult, I am so thankful for all of the places we visited and the adventures we had. I understand now what a privilege it was to explore the world. I have a love for traveling that runs deep and a curiosity about the world at large – and I know I have my parents to thank for that. There is such a big world out there – different cultures and customs and food and landscapes. My hope for us all is that will be curious about people and places that are nothing like our everyday lives, and that we never stop learning about this big, beautiful world.

10 – Family is not always family by birth, but sometimes by choice. I will never not be grateful for my family of origin. But I am also so grateful for the family that has chosen me, and for the people who have let me choose them.

11 – Just because I have a thought, doesn’t mean I have to act on it. It took me years to learn this. Like I was well into my late thirties before I realized I didn’t have to act on everything I thought. (Sorry mom if I missed that lesson as a kid. We all know I’m hard-headed.) The “gift of pause” – the ability to stop and think before saying, texting or doing – is an invaluable tool that benefits everyone.

12 – I’m hard-headed and stubborn and assertive and overly confident at times. But on my best days, I can soften those rough edges and meet the world with an open mind and heart. Every part of me deserves to be acknowledged. Every part of me is allowed to exist. And I make the choice every day to seek balance as I move through this world.

13 – Even adults need to take a time out sometimes.

14 – I have stuffed myself into a box for a relationship, making myself small, shrinking my thoughts and opinions and feelings, accepting physical, emotional, and mental abuse so that my partner would stay. I thought the worst thing in the world that could happen to me would be for him to leave. It’s embarrassing to admit what I became and all that I sacrificed and allowed, but the one thing I am glad about is that I get to teach my daughter what not to do someday when she gets into a relationship. My experience might save her from the same fate.

15 – My life got better the day I started believing in something bigger than myself. The Spirit of the Universe, God, a Higher Power – whatever you want to call it. Learning to let go of the reigns of control and believe that I could receive guidance from something more omnipresent has helped me to live with more peace and more serenity. 

16 – It’s okay to be proud of yourself and the things you have accomplished. In fact, you should be proud. I didn’t always think so, but now I know I can be and that doesn’t make me a terrible person or braggadocios. I believe you can have both pride and humility for all that you’ve done.

17 – Mistakes are the biggest teachers. I hate making mistakes, but I’ve learned that if I can learn the lesson from the mistake the first time, then I don’t have to repeat it again.

18 – The view from a mountaintop is better than the view from the bottom. I hope I never forget to keep lacing up my hiking boots and make it to the top, even when the path up is hard. This is both a literal and metaphorical statement.

19 – Knowing I am an introvert explains so much about me I never understood before gaining that knowledge. I went through 30 years of life thinking something was wrong with me before a counselor helped me see myself as I am, not as I wished I was. 

20 – Self-knowledge and self-awareness are a gift. Learn about yourself. Know what makes you tick. Know what pushes your buttons. Know your dreams and ambitions. Know who you are. Know your favorite color and favorite song. Know what makes you laugh. Know what makes you cry. Know what makes you angry or hurt. If you know who you are, you won’t allow other people’s opinions to define you. Knowing yourself allows you the freedom to be you, wholly and authentically you. 

21 – I refuse to let fear hold me back from living my life and trying new experiences. When I can walk through the fear of the unknown, I am often pleasantly surprised with what I find on the other side. Be afraid, but do the thing anyway.

22 – Taking care of our mental health is of the utmost important. If my mind is not healthy, I am not healthy.

23 – Expectations are premeditated resentments.

24 – I love to read. Some of my favorite friends in this world are characters in books. My favorite days are days spent reading. I am the kind of girl who finishes a book and spends the next few days missing the characters.

25 – I have been sober for three times as much of my adult life than I spent drinking as an adult. I can’t imagine living my life any other way. I have so many dreams and ambitions and desires, and they would all go down the toilet with last night’s booze if I were still drinking. Getting sober was so hard and I thought it would kill me some days, but I am so grateful for the desire to want to do something different. If you’re thinking about getting sober, I promise you don’t have to do it alone. I would have crumbled if not for the support I found in recovery.

26 – You don’t have the be the best at something to do it. Sing terribly, dance awkwardly. Try something new and fail. It’s okay to not be perfect.

27 – Sleep is my best friend. I have learned that when I lack sleep, I cry like an infant and throw fits like a toddler. Sleep is more important than most people give it credit for. Getting enough sleep at night can fix most problems. Pinky promise.

28 – You can’t get back the mean things you’ve said or the time you didn’t spend with someone. Watch your words and spend your time with the people who matter. You never know when it will be too late.

29 – Your past doesn’t define your present if you’ll learn from it and let it go. Stop carrying around the past. Stop carrying around extra baggage. Stop holding on to old wounds. You are not stuck in the past if you make the choice to stand completely in the present.

30 – Laundry is a never-ending chore.

31 – The world would be a better place if people practiced more grace and forgiveness.

32 – I believe so strongly in inclusivity. Including others, without judgement, without conditions, is the biggest gift we can give to someone else. Allowing them to be, and accepting them and including them in situations and in decisions and in life in general can be such a gift. I am not always great about doing this, and I have to go back and amend my behavior at times to make sure I am living in this thing that I value.

33 – Food is medicine. I believe medical conditions – both mild and severe – can be reversed and cured by the foods we eat. I have learned this through my own experience, and nobody will ever change my mind about it.

34 – It’s never too late to start. And if you say you’ll do something tomorrow (or Monday or next month), you almost never will. It’s okay to be afraid. Fear is natural. But start anyway. Start today. Start now.

35 – Our bodies are capable of so much and can do just about anything, as long as we get our minds on board.

36 – Teaching my children has been one of the hardest and most rewarding things I have ever done. When I remember that I am raising them to be fully functioning adults some day, it motivates me to not give in when I’m tired, to continue to show up and teach the hard lessons, and to love them unconditionally.

37 – Take pictures. Lots of pictures. And videos too. The kids grow up fast. People die. Pictures and videos last forever. You never know when you might want to look back on the past to see how far you’ve all come. Or when you might want to watch a video and hear a voice that you can no longer hear in real life. Capture all the memories. You’ll be glad you did.

38 – Buy yourself flowers. Take yourself to dinner. Do something nice for yourself. You don’t have to wait for other people to do it for you.

39 – Social media isn’t real life. Close the app. Put down the phone. Go hug a loved one. Go outside and get some fresh air. Live in the real world with real people. They’re the ones that matter.

40 – Anything is possible, one day at a time.

If you made it through all of that, thank you. I hope you found something of value in my experience.

Until next time,

P.S. If you liked this post and found it valuable, please forward it on to someone else you think might also enjoy it!